Yes, I'm 36 years old, and I still have a stuffed Snoopy. I actually have one at my house, and one at my parent's house. (Pictured, above) I find myself coming home more often these days....sometimes it's for the free food (okay, it's ALWAYS for the free food) , but more often than not, it's for the comfort of unconditional love. Lately, I have been needing it more than ever.
A few days ago, I had a very difficult conversation with someone I really, really cared about. It's a guy I've been seeing/talking to for the last 6 months. I'm not even sure you can classify it as "seeing" as he lives out of state (of COURSE I met him in Vegas) and we only saw each other twice. But I'll be damned if we didn't talk in some form every day. And I'll be damned if he didn't make me laugh. He was FULL of curiosity, and always asked the cutest questions. "How was your day, on a 1-10 scale?" How was your bike ride? What was the best thing you ate today?"
I loved interacting with in. It was fun. I truly felt like I had a cheerleader. I found myself "missing him" and wanting to call him "baby." I was always scared to do that, because expressing himself emotionally was always a challenge for him. So when I would say things like "I've been thinking about you lately" or "I miss you"- it was often met by silence. That, or a robotic compliment that felt forced.
Over time, this really ate away at my self esteem. I felt like I was pushing him to say and do things that I wanted to hear. And NO woman wants to be "that girl." Additionally, no woman wants a man who can't speak from his heart and let her know she's a priority.And so...I told him that. And it was scary. Scary because I knew I'd reached a turning point within myself. Scary because I knew our dynamic had changed, and it made me sad.
"I want to say 'I love you' to someone, and I want him to say it to me", I said. "I want to share my life with someone and experience real intimacy."
"And you deserve all of that, Sandy" he said. "You are a beautiful and amazing person. I'm just not sure I can be the man you need me to be."
UGH. That was hard to hear.
But can I fault him? He was never dishonest with me- my feelings just outgrew our situation. And I had to honor them. That's the HARDEST part of having conversations we're afraid to have. Honoring our feelings and voicing OUTLOUD what we want.
I talked to him for 3 hours that night. It was the first time he heard me cry. In the past, I was afraid to express myself because I didn't want to make him uncomfortable. But I could no longer hold back the tears. And it felt good. It felt so good to speak from my heart, and release. I am SO grateful that he is such a good listener and was 100% present with me while o articulated my thoughts, and needs...everyone deserves to have a conversation like that.
And so, it's a little quiet in my life again. And it's weird. I can't predict the future, but I can sleep a little better knowing I said what I truly felt, and I suppose that is good enough.
Also, I heard Kelly Clarkson's "Invincible" at KOHL's yesterday and I took that as a personal sign to listen to it 22 times and then eat 2 cupcakes before going to bed. You're welcome.
Sandy (@SandyStec on FB, IG, and Twitter)