An Open Apology To My Mom On Halloween

Dear Mom,

Happy Halloween! Remember that one year I wanted to be a sexy Jessica Rabbit and I was 7 years old?? I can remember it very distinctly…..Daddy brought that god-awful red dress from the flea market, and I wanted SO BADLY to have it cut along the side of my leg to expose my whole thigh.

I WAS 7.

I have no idea where this sexual prowess came from as I wasn’t even a teenager, but all I knew is I wanted to be EXACTLY like Jessica Rabbit. Huge cans. Amazing red hair. Big lips. All the boys would want me! But you said NO to cutting the dress up the side, and I was SO SO mad at you. Now my outfit wouldn’t be authentic! Hence….I looked like this:


Anyways, just thought I’d let you know, as an adult, I appreciate you throwing the hammer down like that. I didn’t NEED to be sexy. I was 7. I should have been a CareBear or Wonder Woman or Princess or something. But damn it…I really wanted to be a huge-tittied sultry cartoon. To be honest with you, nothing has changed.

Love you,

Darling Daughter

P.S. Your pumpkin chocolate chip cookies give me LIFE. 

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